On Track

Hey, Im still here. I have lots of posts in my head, yet havn't really taken the time to sit and type. All is moving ahead. The scale is still deciding what to do, however my clothing is starting to feel a little better!( I had come close to deciding that nudist colonies might be an option as I was not going a size up in clothing. Then I took a moment and realized that that would be very embarrasing as well, so losing was the best option.) So here I am reevaluating if I really know how to eat anymore and if I am really pushing myself how I need to push. So my thought process is still in, however the people who bother me the most are the ones who think so much about the process and forget to do the work.
  I am off to work for the morning, I have my workout clothes packed and my apple in my purse. I will say that I am about 5 days into less sugar. I did some research on what suger does to the body and it scared me a bit. So everyday is a fight not to go buy chocolate and everyday I drink my coffee for distraction and hope soon I will get past these cravings!

Some thoughts

First of all I thought I would start with a good picture of me. Katie took it and I really like it! It reminds me how far I have come.

I told myself blogging would help last time and that I would do it more often. I'm back again with some thoughts about how I feel. Have you ever moved a piece of large furniture and it gets stuck. Either on the carpet or against a wall, you push, you pull, you get down on your knees and push and pull and lift and turn and then proceed to kick the thing because it just makes you mad! (ok, I may have other issues to work out, ask anyone...I am a kicker. ) Well I feel like that piece of furniture. The scale is not moving, it is not budging. I need to remember that I got myself stuck. That I pushed myself into the corner, but that is not a solution. When a piece of furniture gets stuck I can walk away. Unfortunately, I spent the last year doing just that and well I wedged myself even further. I tell myself that it took time to get here, my body needs to readjust to the new routine.... Then I peek at another angle and see there are still bad habits Im not improving on. Vegetables, sugar, exercise intensity, strength training....
So here is where I realize I can continue my pity party, or I can kick my butt and look from one more angle. Tweek the routine a little more until I budge. Here is what I did this week. I started running again. Yes it was raining at the time, but I didn't melt. :) I got in 5 cardio workouts last week. Im up to 1 this week, so I need to kick it up a notch there. I am having sugar issues again. I think I freaked out about all my snacks and now I am paying for having nothing, so Im gonna change that up, and as of today, I am back to no eating after 7pm. I dont really know when that changed....but it was a great habit when I followed it. I also know there are some head changes I need to make, but I am late for work so I will save that for another time.

Pumpkin Patch

Yup, It was that time of the year! The time of year when we smash pumpkins, do the corn maze and eat caramel apples. Audrey joined in on the pumpkin flinging this year. Ava love to watch, but really didn't see how it was logical. :) The maze only took 2 and a half hours. Dad helped a few stragglers along the way. (First time in a while....he lost his way, it was a tough one.)  Here are a few shots from the day.

Crutch is gone....

...and I feel like I am falling. Yes, because of financial and reality I have let go of WW. I kind of think I was using it as a crutch, because now I am feeling a little out of control. So what to do? Another let down is that I will not be doing the run on Saturday. I haven't trained. I wish there was more to say about that, but there is not.
So here I am updating my blog and seeing things in black and white and realizing that I am falling. I have been working out at the gym. Riding the bike and walking with the kids. I have been lazy and falling into bad habits again. So I'm updating my blog(ok, my sister-in-laws comment got me motivated as well) I think this is not the update that is gonna make me happy or what others expect. I think I need to do this more often again, because I'm feeling a little pathetic right now. I lost my way a little. I got stuck at a certain weight and then that became my focus. I was bothered that slowing down a little enabled me to gain and now I'm bothered that stopping has caused me to gain more. WOW! What a baby!
 Each day I heard myself say "tomorrow I'll start running" and then tomorrow had a problem... Again WOW! seeing this go down, now , like this.....
 WW is not the issue. My head is the issue. I know what to eat, I know what to put in my mouth. I know how to exercise and how to push myself to the next level. I let life get in the way. I stopped putting myself first. I stopped putting myself out there, I stopped testing how far I could go. I have 2 classes at the gym I have been looking at and I got scared. I didn't even try.
 So here I am blogging, getting my head back into the game, in fall no less. It will not be easy. You will see something different. Probably more ramblings as I work some of this out. I might do a food journal here or add Spark people to the mass. Weekly wii weigh ins.( right now that does not sound pleasant) I need somewhere to talk. To put my feelings on all this. I was afraid to do this for a while. Well, this is where I need to start...again...before I fall further and don't get up. Any suggestions? Any comments please let me know! I am totally up for fresh ideas!

Recap

No, I haven't been lazy about posting. My year old lap top's hard drive crashed as I was editing first day of school pictures. I lost all of the ones I had of that day, and the week before. I had loaded a few to face book, so that is what I have to share. Good new is that my laptop had one more week of warranty left! So now I am up and running....Ok I am lazy and blogging has been low on my priority list(Just realized I hadn't posted since July)
Above is the first day of school. Audrey was thrilled, Spencer not so much. My middle schooler has been feeling the pressure. They went to school for about 6 days and then got two weeks off for the teachers to strike. They are in as of last Friday, and I'm really hoping we can get back into a routine!

Fair day was a blast. Audrey and Ava got a Dizzy pass and had a great time together. Spencer went a little before us with a friend and his family to ride the Big rides, his family went home and the boys went on a few rides with Audrey. She loves these boys!

Ok, maybe love is too strong a word. :) She loves to torment and be tormented, by the boys.

Audrey and Spencer have new hobbies. Auntie got Spencer an skateboard, and papa got Audrey a scooter. They are loving life. I will have to say, their personalities have shown with these activities. Audrey is zooming down hills (of course, without the breaks) and Spencer is taking his time and learning.
I'll upload pictures later today. Sorry it has been so long!

Week 3

So as plans go, I'm still ok. I have gotten the outside stuff going, but getting to the gym has proven difficult. I definitely need it though, because yesterday when I ran my upper thigh down to my knee on my left leg are pretty sore . I expect soreness...but this is a little more. I'm thinking I need a little bit more of a warm up before the running, and a little more leg strength and core strength built up. I have a run that I like to see my progress and see how far I can get. Yesterday I was in the zone, and got the furthest yet while running without a lot of tiredness and controlled breathing. The problem is I just jumped right in, I've gotta warm up a little I think.
I will run to the gym today. I know it is not in the schedule, however, I didn't make it yesterday and I really need four days in this week. I'm really gonna focus on my arms. I know that isn't as important as legs and core, but they really bug me. I look at them sometimes and wonder if I've ruined them for good. They never seem to visibly shrink. I know that they are getting smaller.....just not fast enough!
 This week: Ive got my workout schedule. I am also going to make it a goal to have a vegetable with every dinner. This is tough for me, I know it shouldn't be after all this time, but it is. I have a war with veggies. Not really knowing why. Maybe that would be a good thing to figure out. I am also limiting my sugar again. Not really sure why that is an issue still either, but it is my addiction. My comfort. So this week I will remind myself of my goals and push ahead through two of these last eating barriers. They push me to levels of failure I haven't known now for several years. They hold me back from what I want most... rephrase...I hold myself back from what I want most. Its time to push back!

Planning

 I was thinking yesterday about what change means. I know so many people who fight it. I am in the middle. I don't like change, however it is necessary to progress. Change does some amazing things, but also can blockade progress if you let it. I think I have let it. My work schedule changed right about the time that I started taking myself seriously again. I work 7-4 Monday through Thursday now. I love the schedule. I'm home by 4:30 now and able  to be with the kids more in the afternoon. The hangup is that I'm supposed to come home and then leave again to go for a run, or bike ride, or walk and 4-5 days a workout at the gym. However, I wake up at 5am to get ready for work, by the time I'm home from work I'm exhausted especially by Wednesday evening. I was thinking of waking up earlier at 4:30 and running in the morning, however it is still dark and well....maybe not so smart. So what to do?
 I blog for a lot of reasons. I blog so I can keep up with family and friends, I blog to see progress, and I blog to work things out in my head. I see it in black and white and figure out my difficulties. Sometimes I realize I'm just being a whiner, sometimes it is and honest issue and sometimes I'm just making excuses for myself. Sometimes I'm not really sure what it is until I read it later. This time its a combination. I have a legitimate problem, however I am letting it get out of control myself.
 Here is my plan. I am putting it here for accountability. Mon, Tues, run after work. Wed gym for toning, Thurs off day(meeting) Friday(pre Ava), Sat ( preWW) and Sun morning run and early evening gym. Seems like a good plan. Now to keep myself accountable!...off to work!