New Goal

So it would seem that I have neglected my goals for the future.  The lose 10lbs in a month and hubbie buys me a new computer was not a success. Good thing since we could not afford a new laptop this month anyhow. I have been neglecting myself and my goals for a while now. My focus has not been where it needs to be. So I am going to make a new goal this month. Rather than focusing on the scale I am going to focus on my health. My BMI right now is 32.0 . I started off about 49.0 so this is a drastic improvement. However I am still in the obese category. My next goal is to get out of the obese and into the overweight group. Saying it that way does not sound so great. However after that is met I will upgrade a tad bit. I used to be almost 50percent body fat..... crazy! Again I wish I was further along, but I have picked up a new weight loss  partner along the way. I am so excited to see her progress. She has mentally pushed me to a new level! I have to say, having a friend doing this with me has been motivating and has helped me reevaluate my progress and goals.
 One more thing. I have officially stepped into size 12 jeans! Yeaaaaa! I don't always understand how even though the scale stays the same how I change sizes! But I feel encouraged to keep going and eventually the scale will catch up too!
Onward and Downward!

Pool Party

It was a big day for the kids today. We went to a pool party. When we got there it was a bout 60 degrees....so cold. But who cares when you are a kid with a pool.....right. They were fine in the water, then the food came and those who ate rushed to get back in the water. I watched several kids walk with their cake in hand shivering so much that the cake almost fell off the plate. Good times!
The sun did come out for us and turned out to be a beautiful party and perfect for water play! This was Ava's first kids party and she had a blast! It was a wading pool, so it was perfect for toddler play. I wont go into what she ate ( but it was good stuff!) but she was in her element in the water.

Oh ya....she scored big on the way out of the party...more candy than she has seen in her short life in one bag! Ohhh Man, is she loving life. She is asleep now and Im thinking it will be a nap of tootsie rolls and chewy jolly ranchers, :)

Smore's

Yup it is that time of the year. I have been wanting a smore for weeks now. So we had family smore night.

Audrey made a mess. She likes her marshmallows warm...barely. This one got a little gooey.

Pool Daze

So the weather around here has not been the best for swimming. However we got a pool day in last weekend. Thank you Katie and Jim and Ava. We had a BLAST!

Ava was awesome today. Fearless....she was showing Audrey what to do in the pool. Dunking, crab walking, floating , jumping! She was amazing! And even better she did it all with a 20lb diaper. :)

Keep doing what your doing....

And you will keep getting what your getting is the definition of insanity. A saying that my husband loves right now. I hear it a lot. Mostly about his work, but also about family. It applies to just about everything. I have heard it so much lately that it has become a little rhyme in my head that I cant get out. So I thought I would put it here. He is not always in the most positive mind frame when he is saying it....but I thought that I could apply to weight loss as well. As I was walking into Starbucks this morning for a pumpkin scone the rhyme was there. Truth is today I ignored the voice. We have a lot of stress going on in our extended family that right now a pumpkin scone became my fixation rather than dealing with the problem at hand. I know, not the proper way to deal with stress....but today that was my choice. I will also make the choice to do an extra hard workout tonight after work. Granted the whole workout will be working off the scone...it will also work off some of the stress that I need to deal with.
You ever wonder what life would be like without stress? Without someone having an opinion about something you are doing wrong. The truth is it doesn't matter what people think. You can take the suggestion or not....but in the long run if it is a negative comment why listen? How does it help you or your health to get so upset that you need to eat or yell or feel bad about who you are. Why allow a person to have that kind of control over you? Easier said than done! I know...I get mad I want sugar...not just a little....a lot. I want cheese.... Truth is I want to fill the hole I am creating because I'm not dealing with the anger and frustration that builds up inside me. In society it is ok to squelch your anger or frustration with food....it is not ok to verbalize. It is not ok to be upset tell someone how you feel. Is it society...or is it genetics...I don't know. What I do know is that for my health I don't want to bottle this in. I don't want to keep quiet and go with the flow. I know that I need to be supportive, I know that I need to be helpful . I can do this and learn to find other ways to express myself. I can protect myself and my own. If you keep doing what your doing...you keep getting what your getting. Why not change?

Marathoners

My big brother and sis in law ran the San Fransisco marathon today! I am so proud of both of them. They have both lost an amazing amount of weight. And gone from couch potato's to athlete, with an amazing amount of work! When I am having a tough time with my exercise and don't think I can accomplish my goals I look at them and their progress and know that they did it, are doing it! This is their third marathon. Amazing! You two are incredible!

School Shopping

Yup, My little girl is starting Kindergarten in a month. How did this happen? I thought I was ready for this, but have realized that I am a little sad time is going so fast. We bought school supplies and of course a backpack. She was so excited for this. It was fun to see her so big trying to read the list and pick out her things. This next month I plan to get ready for school, but also enjoy my little girl!

Playdate with Luca

We went to Luca's house to play. Luca is a little younger than Ava. She and Audrey are way alike. She loves to climb, play....and cause mischief. They all play so well together.

This was me.....

One of the girls found this for me. Her husband who also works with me was using up some film at work and took this. This was taken in 2003, the summer before I found out I was pregnant with my daughter. I gained another 30lbs after this was taken. I know Ive mentioned that my favorite part of The Biggest Loser is to watch peoples eyes. They start looking so defeated, yet as they progress there is a brightness in their eyes.
When I look at this picture I don't see myself. Not just because of the weight but also because of my eyes. I look so unhappy here. I was so unhappy with myself, my marriage, my relationship with my friends. The only thing I knew I could do was to be a good mom and I was happy at work. The truth is that I was unhappy because I felt defeated. I felt tired. I felt alone.

I don't feel that way anymore. I feel alive, and glad that I took that first step towards life. I have a great marriage( I have the energy to work on it) I love my children and I am starting to believe that I am a pretty ok person and friend as well. I look at my eyes now and see motivation to attain. To live. I have taken the first steps to live a long healthy life. I took my life back! And I plan to use it in a worthy manner from now on.
I know I sound over the top....but I have to say...I am pretty hard on myself., but I am proud of this! : )

The past

I am trying to post at least once a week. If I get brave maybe more. Before I get going to much here I thought I would tell you about my sugar detox....it was not pretty. I did not succeed....completely. I have not had any binges so that is good, but it still has a place in my life. I better find a way to get control over it and it not control me.
I have been a little stressed out the past couple weeks. Family stuff...not in my control but dealing with it just the same. In the past, I would have gone to the store and bought some cupcakes proceed to scoop off the frosting and eat with a spoon ( yup, sugar has always been a thing) Now I run, or walk, or swim, or go to the gym. I talk instead of yelling. I take a breath and realize that it is not my fault, and it is not within my ability to fix, and do my best to be the best support I can be. I am not always successful...sometimes I run, sometimes I hide (caller ID the best invention ever) but most of the time I try to meet problems face to face. I have come up with a new inner voice. The past does not define my present! I feel that sometimes I look at the past and wonder...what if....could I have? or I really wish I had...The truth is the only thing you can do with the past is deal with the consequences (good or bad) and learn from it. You cant fix your mistakes if you dont learn.
I have a friend. I love her as a sister, she lives in the past. I dont think she realizes it, but she always seems to be dealing with that instead of the future. Now I realize how important it is to deal with past trauma's, but at what point do you look at the future and realize that each day is a clean slate with no mistakes in it yet. As I lose weight this becomes more and more important to me. I never took pictures of myself at my heaviest. I did not like what I saw....I was disappointed in what I done to myself, and I did not want to acknowledge how unhappy I was. Others got a few shots in and I look at those and see a sad person, I almost said a sad me. Looking at those shots, the one on the right, I wish I had done differently used those years better, but I didn't and so NOW I choose to be different. To be better, to not look at my arms with disgust but to see the improvements. To see that I am changing physically, and emotionally. I am making new friends and realizing that by making new friends, I can let go of the ones that I fought tooth and nail to keep going...the one that only I was fighting for, because it was an important part of my past. Everyone has people that will always be there, it is hard when they go away for a while.
The past does not define who I am or the choices that I will make! I get nervous sometimes that I will stop changing, that the person I was will come back. I get worried that I will forget how this feels. I feel happy, not because of the weight loss, but because I push myself through stress now. I have done things I never even thought I would succeed at. I run! I smile! and I am making a better future for my children.
The past is history...learn from it ..... grow from it!

District Convention

So a couple posts ago I told you I went shopping. This is one of the dresses I bought. I am not huge on clothes, probably because none of them fit me very well. I have always wanted to wear color. I usually went with black, because it hides so well or white, because it does not stand out, and people dont look too much. I also usually wear dresses that cover my calves, I like them long and comfortable. This year my goal was to step out of my comfort zone completely. I did with this dress. No sleeves and shorter. I felt good! I felt pretty! It was a great feeling. I saw friends that I have not seen for months to a year, one of them said I looked HOT! Ha ha....not sure about that, but what I am sure of is that I looked pretty good. And I felt good in my skin.
Remember this post Last year I was so happy to fit into that dress. I was going to wear it this year too( it fits so much better now, not so bulgey) This year I was happy to see changes....next year I hope that I have been at my goal weight for a while. I am tired of monkeying around!

District Convention Day 3

Again what else can I say, but it was an incredible day. At the end before bed Audrey said " Mom today was a fun day" The drama was fantastic, so was the Symposium that morning.

District Convention Day 2

Katie and Jim and Ava joined us today. It is always enjoyable to see so many friends that you havn't seen, along with all the wonderful speakers. Audrey's favorite song out of the new song book was sung today. The audio drama was fun. Audrey pulled out her Book of Bible stories and said " I know that story, and proceeded to turn to the Jonah Page." No skinned knees to report....I cant believe tomorrow is the last day. I am so glad I took Monday off!

District Convention Day 1

We had a wonderful day. Got up early, great seats and awesome kids, and upbuilding talks. Great day!

Sugar

Warning: The following admission is not for the feint of heart. : )

I am a sugarholic. Yup I love the stuff ....in all forms. You know the gummies that kids love, Yup I love them too. I just finished a bag of froggie gummys, the kind with green on one side and white on the other. I love chocolate, ice cream, ooh and marshmallow anything and did I mention gummy candy. It is a problem, and starting to become a larger issue. I don't discuss food here a lot. Probably because everyone has there own thing. One person might eat very low calories, one might eat low carb, no sugar, low sugar, or just stay really on target the majority of the time. I am a WW fan. It works for me, and usually if I indulge (which I feel is necessary for my success) I will hit the gym harder, or run a little farther. The problem is when I have a trigger food ( a food that causes me to spiral out of control ) I eliminate it out of my diet, until I can get control. Pizza is one of those foods. For a while I had to not eat it, I couldn't eat just one piece. After a while I was able to reintroduce it back into my life but in single portions...now I can have a piece and still be ok....if I am in the right mind set. I still stay away if I can.
Candy is a huge trigger for me. The thing is I don't know if I can eliminate it. I know I should, if only to show that I can. Don't get me wrong...I don't believe in depriving myself of food. Especially treats...like the Banana brownies. I'm talking out of control eating....
So here is the plan. I am going to do a sugar detox for two weeks (anyone can handle that.....right?) Now when I talk about sugar detox I mean I will cut out all unnecessary sugar from my diet. I know myself, and that if I take out everything I wont succeed. So this is what I am allowing myself. 1 mocha daily(home made sf hazelnut flavoring) and4 skinny cow ice cream treats a week. I know some of you might think I am being to easy on myself....I wonder that as well....but this is where I am going to start.
I was discussing this with my husband today, I really need to kick myself into high gear. I know I've said it before, but this time he issued a challenge. 10lbs in one month and I get a new Laptop....9.8 and he removes all sugar and treats from my proximity. ....So why am I doing this? I really want a new computer...and I really need a boost. I am not very good at rewarding myself without the reward being food. I remember as a kid, my mom was on a "diet" and we would be good all week, then on Friday we would have a treat night. I wont go into what we had, but some of my favorite deserts were discovered on those nights. I am going to learn to treat myself to special non sugar rewards over the next few months.
I am sharing so I am accountable. If I see it in writing...I will push through the discomfort. Here I go! I hope I don't hurt anyone this week :)