Memorial

Wish I could find these kids some sun! :)

Another Memorial has come and gone. The kids keep getting bigger and bigger! It was a beautiful night. The talk was amazing!  I was so happy to spend the evening with family and then friends after.

Sorry!

I got this new camera and stopped taking pictures. I dont know why. Here are a few of this last weekend. We were all sick. Spencer still looks pale in these. Audrey started us off last week. At one point I had convinced myself that she had miningitis. Looks like she might have migrains and this week a virus that starts off with a terrible headache. Spencer had Thursday night (missed his #3 he had been practicing all week) and Shannon and I woke up with it on Saturday morning. We still got out of the house and had a little fun with the kids. They had both grown out of there last bikes so we surpised them with these. I promise to update more often. :)

Foggy

  At my heaviest I look back now and realize that I was living in a fog. I wish I could describe it better, but when your in it you dont see life. You exist in it but you dont live it. Within the last year, Ive felt that fog coming back in. The fog is when you sit on the couch and say its too cold outside to go for a walk. Its when it seems like  a lot of work to walk Audrey to school and so I drive. Its when I have no kids on a Friday and on the way to the gym, the car veers to Safeway and the exercise I get that day is walking to the back of the store to get a doughnut ....ok so it was two. I'm tired of complaining and not doing the work. I'm thinking your tired of turning to this blog and wondering if there is an update.
   So I was trying to play catch up. I was thinking I just need to start up again. The truth is I need to start over. I need a new beginning. I haven't gone back to where I am. I have however made a good start of it. I wish I lived where the sun shinned constantly. I wish I loved and exercise that I would do on a daily basis. That I would reach a goal and beat it the next. I haven't yet. I have set goals in the past. Physical, mental, social. This is my next goal. Find something that I love to do. Rain(because I live in Washington) or shine. I'm going to try new things and push things that maybe I don't love. It is time for no excuses. Spring is here (ok...every where else but here, we've had snow multiple times since the first day of spring) Summer will be here shortly. I need a physical, I cancelled due to not wanting to go in heavier than I was 2 years ago. I need to push myself to new levels. I need to feel good about me. I need to look good this summer and know that I have done all I can every day.
   This is my new start. Yes, two years ago I lost 64lbs. This year I want to loose 40. I want to run with my kids. I want to walk my daughter to school and it not feel like a chore. I want to sweat(I have been doing that, at the gym) I want to not eat 2meals in the evening. I will be finally be in control of my sugar addiction. I will be blogging more, Sometimes to brag, sometimes to cry and sometimes to just work stuff out. If you get tired of reading I understand, but this is what I need right now. So I will be using this forum to make choices and decisions that will push me along my way out of the fog.

Step Ups

Usually when I disappear for a while I come back with bad news. This time, Ive just been really busy. I work till 5 on Mondays and then go to  the gym for a hour than come home for family worship. On Tuesday, Wednesday I work till 4, come home make dinner, go to gym until about 7 and come home eat dinner. Thursday is meeting and Friday is still Ava day with an attempt to get to the gym for Zumba at 5:45.(That has not happened yet) Saturday is family day and Sunday is a run or gym time.

 That is my week, in a nutshell. I have another workout partner. She is kicking my butt! One of the workouts we do is 1000 step ups. Yup, take a step up board and step up 1000 times. Every other 200, holding a 5lb weight or medicine ball. Afterwards abs, arms and legs. Needless to say, my body is hurting by the Wednesday. I usually think about blogging this by then and the thought of holding my arms up to type frightens me. :) I have learned to place my things in a lower locker so that I can undo my lock to get my stuff. :)
 I do have to say, it is really important to have someone to push me a little harder. To have someone there at the end of the day so I don't woos out. I'll have to talk more later.....gotta go to work!

Smelly

At one  time a year or so ago I wanted to do an "Ode to Sweat". I know it sounds weird. After lasts night workout it all came back to me. I ran on the treadmill....ok...I walked at a high speed with intervals of running on the treadmill. I was halfway through, raising my speed yet again when I realized my arms were wet and I felt like I had achieved something. Don't get me wrong, I sweat on the bike as well. But for some reason last night running brought back all my memories of what I can do. What I can accomplish. It made me feel like doing it all again today. I need to work on my abs and my core to gain more stamina but it was awesome to go home smelly! :)
 This week I work today and then I am off for the week. My schedule will be a little off. but my goal is to go to gym in morning after the kids go to school so that I don't get lazy as the day progresses. I tried the Tabata method and honestly my hip revolted. I was on muscle relaxers and Ibuprofen for 3 days and so I'm back to my regular hammering at the gym. I ran into a friend at the gym last night that I barely recognized. She has lost 45lbs. She looked incredible! Hopefully Ill be trying out some new workouts with her if we can connect.
 I am on my way to transforming my brain again. I realize I stopped out of fear and frustration. I have a size in mind now. If  I get to that size and want to go further, I will. If not I will be thrilled of what I am doing. I have a difficult time of visualizing myself as thin. I have a difficult time of visualizing my self as pretty. I have a difficult time of visualizing myself as successful. That is what is different now. I know I need to change how I look at myself. These are MY hangups. They stop me from my goals and they stop me from opening myself up to new friendships. I have some incredible friends right now. I would love it if I could be the type to be open and giving to all. That is something that I need to feel worthy of. It will come with determination and SWEAT!

Crap..... :(

Its my own doing. You think 10lbs doesn't make a huge difference, you convince yourself that you look just fine. Ya your clothes might feel a little uncomfortable and yup you know that you have slacked and maybe you should kick your peaches....but then I looked at some pictures from last year and I discovered denial sucks. (My new camera had a date change, which forced me to go back and retrieve some pictures.) I know there are worse things than my face. Ive noticed changes in my body and especially my belly, but this picture was definitely noticeable. The top one knocked me upside the head, said " Hey stupid!" You felt better 10lbs ago....get with the program. Suck it up and drop the habits that are stopping change.  I really don't like what has happened here and I'm glad I went back and looked. Ive started looking at the scale as well and it is going down finally. I have gotten stuck on the bike( I tore up my back, and it is healing) so I need to break the habit and get on the treadmill a little and the elliptical. My boss bought me a Kindle Fire so I love reading on the bike. I'm up to a straight 4 with a slight resistance to 5 on the bike. I don't want to get stuck so I'm going to change it up again tomorrow. I did not go to gym as scheduled today(it was closed), however we did get some time out in the snow.  Normally I would say our snow is not much of a workout....we have 9 inches...pretty cool!

 Anyhow I guess another reality check is in order! And Beth, I am looking at the Spartan....or some other run in June.

Not this year

Each year in January I try to do a slide show. I get sentimental about what I have done, where I have come from and the work that I am proud of. 2011 was a difficult year for me. I didn't really care about much and because of that I dont have very many pictures of me and no progress to show. I love my family and love what we are doing here, however I just realized that the last time I really took a lot of pictures was in October. :(
 Im not a fan of New Year resolutions. Im not really sure what a date does for people. Maybe they view it as a fresh start...whatever works for them. I do know that a year can make or break you, and while Im not broken, I did forget some of the fundamentals. Taking care of me, makes me more available to others. Taking time for me, frees up more time for others. And feeling good about myself, feeling proud of who I am allows me to open myself up to help and friendship.
 Im sure at some point this year Ill do a slide show. Hopefully it wont be about weight loss...it will be about living!