This was me.....

One of the girls found this for me. Her husband who also works with me was using up some film at work and took this. This was taken in 2003, the summer before I found out I was pregnant with my daughter. I gained another 30lbs after this was taken. I know Ive mentioned that my favorite part of The Biggest Loser is to watch peoples eyes. They start looking so defeated, yet as they progress there is a brightness in their eyes.
When I look at this picture I don't see myself. Not just because of the weight but also because of my eyes. I look so unhappy here. I was so unhappy with myself, my marriage, my relationship with my friends. The only thing I knew I could do was to be a good mom and I was happy at work. The truth is that I was unhappy because I felt defeated. I felt tired. I felt alone.

I don't feel that way anymore. I feel alive, and glad that I took that first step towards life. I have a great marriage( I have the energy to work on it) I love my children and I am starting to believe that I am a pretty ok person and friend as well. I look at my eyes now and see motivation to attain. To live. I have taken the first steps to live a long healthy life. I took my life back! And I plan to use it in a worthy manner from now on.
I know I sound over the top....but I have to say...I am pretty hard on myself., but I am proud of this! : )

The past

I am trying to post at least once a week. If I get brave maybe more. Before I get going to much here I thought I would tell you about my sugar detox....it was not pretty. I did not succeed....completely. I have not had any binges so that is good, but it still has a place in my life. I better find a way to get control over it and it not control me.
I have been a little stressed out the past couple weeks. Family stuff...not in my control but dealing with it just the same. In the past, I would have gone to the store and bought some cupcakes proceed to scoop off the frosting and eat with a spoon ( yup, sugar has always been a thing) Now I run, or walk, or swim, or go to the gym. I talk instead of yelling. I take a breath and realize that it is not my fault, and it is not within my ability to fix, and do my best to be the best support I can be. I am not always successful...sometimes I run, sometimes I hide (caller ID the best invention ever) but most of the time I try to meet problems face to face. I have come up with a new inner voice. The past does not define my present! I feel that sometimes I look at the past and wonder...what if....could I have? or I really wish I had...The truth is the only thing you can do with the past is deal with the consequences (good or bad) and learn from it. You cant fix your mistakes if you dont learn.
I have a friend. I love her as a sister, she lives in the past. I dont think she realizes it, but she always seems to be dealing with that instead of the future. Now I realize how important it is to deal with past trauma's, but at what point do you look at the future and realize that each day is a clean slate with no mistakes in it yet. As I lose weight this becomes more and more important to me. I never took pictures of myself at my heaviest. I did not like what I saw....I was disappointed in what I done to myself, and I did not want to acknowledge how unhappy I was. Others got a few shots in and I look at those and see a sad person, I almost said a sad me. Looking at those shots, the one on the right, I wish I had done differently used those years better, but I didn't and so NOW I choose to be different. To be better, to not look at my arms with disgust but to see the improvements. To see that I am changing physically, and emotionally. I am making new friends and realizing that by making new friends, I can let go of the ones that I fought tooth and nail to keep going...the one that only I was fighting for, because it was an important part of my past. Everyone has people that will always be there, it is hard when they go away for a while.
The past does not define who I am or the choices that I will make! I get nervous sometimes that I will stop changing, that the person I was will come back. I get worried that I will forget how this feels. I feel happy, not because of the weight loss, but because I push myself through stress now. I have done things I never even thought I would succeed at. I run! I smile! and I am making a better future for my children.
The past is history...learn from it ..... grow from it!

District Convention

So a couple posts ago I told you I went shopping. This is one of the dresses I bought. I am not huge on clothes, probably because none of them fit me very well. I have always wanted to wear color. I usually went with black, because it hides so well or white, because it does not stand out, and people dont look too much. I also usually wear dresses that cover my calves, I like them long and comfortable. This year my goal was to step out of my comfort zone completely. I did with this dress. No sleeves and shorter. I felt good! I felt pretty! It was a great feeling. I saw friends that I have not seen for months to a year, one of them said I looked HOT! Ha ha....not sure about that, but what I am sure of is that I looked pretty good. And I felt good in my skin.
Remember this post Last year I was so happy to fit into that dress. I was going to wear it this year too( it fits so much better now, not so bulgey) This year I was happy to see changes....next year I hope that I have been at my goal weight for a while. I am tired of monkeying around!

District Convention Day 3

Again what else can I say, but it was an incredible day. At the end before bed Audrey said " Mom today was a fun day" The drama was fantastic, so was the Symposium that morning.

District Convention Day 2

Katie and Jim and Ava joined us today. It is always enjoyable to see so many friends that you havn't seen, along with all the wonderful speakers. Audrey's favorite song out of the new song book was sung today. The audio drama was fun. Audrey pulled out her Book of Bible stories and said " I know that story, and proceeded to turn to the Jonah Page." No skinned knees to report....I cant believe tomorrow is the last day. I am so glad I took Monday off!

District Convention Day 1

We had a wonderful day. Got up early, great seats and awesome kids, and upbuilding talks. Great day!

Sugar

Warning: The following admission is not for the feint of heart. : )

I am a sugarholic. Yup I love the stuff ....in all forms. You know the gummies that kids love, Yup I love them too. I just finished a bag of froggie gummys, the kind with green on one side and white on the other. I love chocolate, ice cream, ooh and marshmallow anything and did I mention gummy candy. It is a problem, and starting to become a larger issue. I don't discuss food here a lot. Probably because everyone has there own thing. One person might eat very low calories, one might eat low carb, no sugar, low sugar, or just stay really on target the majority of the time. I am a WW fan. It works for me, and usually if I indulge (which I feel is necessary for my success) I will hit the gym harder, or run a little farther. The problem is when I have a trigger food ( a food that causes me to spiral out of control ) I eliminate it out of my diet, until I can get control. Pizza is one of those foods. For a while I had to not eat it, I couldn't eat just one piece. After a while I was able to reintroduce it back into my life but in single portions...now I can have a piece and still be ok....if I am in the right mind set. I still stay away if I can.
Candy is a huge trigger for me. The thing is I don't know if I can eliminate it. I know I should, if only to show that I can. Don't get me wrong...I don't believe in depriving myself of food. Especially treats...like the Banana brownies. I'm talking out of control eating....
So here is the plan. I am going to do a sugar detox for two weeks (anyone can handle that.....right?) Now when I talk about sugar detox I mean I will cut out all unnecessary sugar from my diet. I know myself, and that if I take out everything I wont succeed. So this is what I am allowing myself. 1 mocha daily(home made sf hazelnut flavoring) and4 skinny cow ice cream treats a week. I know some of you might think I am being to easy on myself....I wonder that as well....but this is where I am going to start.
I was discussing this with my husband today, I really need to kick myself into high gear. I know I've said it before, but this time he issued a challenge. 10lbs in one month and I get a new Laptop....9.8 and he removes all sugar and treats from my proximity. ....So why am I doing this? I really want a new computer...and I really need a boost. I am not very good at rewarding myself without the reward being food. I remember as a kid, my mom was on a "diet" and we would be good all week, then on Friday we would have a treat night. I wont go into what we had, but some of my favorite deserts were discovered on those nights. I am going to learn to treat myself to special non sugar rewards over the next few months.
I am sharing so I am accountable. If I see it in writing...I will push through the discomfort. Here I go! I hope I don't hurt anyone this week :)