The past

I am trying to post at least once a week. If I get brave maybe more. Before I get going to much here I thought I would tell you about my sugar detox....it was not pretty. I did not succeed....completely. I have not had any binges so that is good, but it still has a place in my life. I better find a way to get control over it and it not control me.
I have been a little stressed out the past couple weeks. Family stuff...not in my control but dealing with it just the same. In the past, I would have gone to the store and bought some cupcakes proceed to scoop off the frosting and eat with a spoon ( yup, sugar has always been a thing) Now I run, or walk, or swim, or go to the gym. I talk instead of yelling. I take a breath and realize that it is not my fault, and it is not within my ability to fix, and do my best to be the best support I can be. I am not always successful...sometimes I run, sometimes I hide (caller ID the best invention ever) but most of the time I try to meet problems face to face. I have come up with a new inner voice. The past does not define my present! I feel that sometimes I look at the past and wonder...what if....could I have? or I really wish I had...The truth is the only thing you can do with the past is deal with the consequences (good or bad) and learn from it. You cant fix your mistakes if you dont learn.
I have a friend. I love her as a sister, she lives in the past. I dont think she realizes it, but she always seems to be dealing with that instead of the future. Now I realize how important it is to deal with past trauma's, but at what point do you look at the future and realize that each day is a clean slate with no mistakes in it yet. As I lose weight this becomes more and more important to me. I never took pictures of myself at my heaviest. I did not like what I saw....I was disappointed in what I done to myself, and I did not want to acknowledge how unhappy I was. Others got a few shots in and I look at those and see a sad person, I almost said a sad me. Looking at those shots, the one on the right, I wish I had done differently used those years better, but I didn't and so NOW I choose to be different. To be better, to not look at my arms with disgust but to see the improvements. To see that I am changing physically, and emotionally. I am making new friends and realizing that by making new friends, I can let go of the ones that I fought tooth and nail to keep going...the one that only I was fighting for, because it was an important part of my past. Everyone has people that will always be there, it is hard when they go away for a while.
The past does not define who I am or the choices that I will make! I get nervous sometimes that I will stop changing, that the person I was will come back. I get worried that I will forget how this feels. I feel happy, not because of the weight loss, but because I push myself through stress now. I have done things I never even thought I would succeed at. I run! I smile! and I am making a better future for my children.
The past is history...learn from it ..... grow from it!